Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
