Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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