I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
