he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
