Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
