They should really pass out barf bags in church
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Are my feet made of real feet?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
