I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
