you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
