i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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