She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
