I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
why do cheetos always look like penises
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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