i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
