my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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