We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
