I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
