I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize