had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
