Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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