Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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