yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
