I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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