i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
