I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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