Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
