you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize