nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
