Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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