Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you traded sex for a burrito?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
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