dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
