After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
