Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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