did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
