I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
