sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
