Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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