Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize