Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
