Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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