id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
