I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
