You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
