You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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