It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
