I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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