remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
