im drinking this country out of the recession.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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