I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
