The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
