I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
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