You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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