Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
