I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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