My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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