my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
