Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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