How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
