Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
