I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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