At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
