The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
