I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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